Well.. I honestly don't really know how to start this post. All I know is, I just really need to pour my heart out. If I were to write it down on my non-existent diary, or let's just say a piece of paper, I'm afraid I won't be able to read it if it gets wet..

Sometimes, in life, we don't always get what we want. And I know, i know, everything happens for a reason. But if you're in my place right now, just maybe, you actually know how I feel. I didn't expect to be this frustrated, disappointed. Before this I've been telling myself, "If ada rezeki, adalah. Kalau tak dapat nak buat macam mana". But little did I know it's not that easy to deal with. 

Now you know, when I told you, 'it's tough, it's really tough', I meant it. Well it sure might be easy for everyone else, but not for me. I've had a rough time being here, studying here. I'll break down every now and then. Always felt like I'm never good enough for this. But I tried. I struggled. And I've done my best. And I hoped and expected too much of myself. And now, I can't help but feel like a total failure. But I believe that Allah knows what's best for me.

Hope. Expectations. My expectations. Even worse, my family's expectations, my Mom's. 

It's the worst feeling in the world to not being able to make your loved ones happy. And it's also the worst feeling in the world to be disappointed in yourself. I've never felt this sad before. Right now, ever since yesterday, everything seems so dark. I know I shouldn't dwell on it. It's not the end of the world. Not the end of the journey, or so they say. 

But I just can't help it. 

When you're down, you're crying like there's no tomorrow, you'll feel like you wanna be all alone in your room. But sometimes, just a simple "are you okay?" from your close buddies would lighten things up. I really thank those who did ask about me. I really appreciate it :) And to my roommates, if any of you are reading this, thank you so much :) You know who you are :)

 And, to my dearest, dearest classmate, my roommate, who's been with me through thick and thin. Thanks for always having my back. Thanks for dealing with me when i'm at my worst, Reen :) Reen, if you're reading this, I can't believe that you actually shampooed my hair, dried it, and combed it just to make me feel better. Thanks so much darling :') Sayang awak. Also not to forget my dear bestie who hoped the best for me, and felt sad for me when she found out about it, but gave me words of comfort and made me feel better. Annnd, special thanks to Nik, my darling friend who's been a great support too. She's on the other side of the world, but she's very close to the heart :) I just love talking to her about almost everything. About studies, friendship, boys, love  crushes, okay you get my point.. Ahah. Thanks for always being there Nik ! muahhs.

And of course, my strength, my pillar has got to be my family, especially my Mom. She's the only one who really knows what i've been going through. The one who understands. The one who help made me feel better, every freaking time I broke down while studying. Thanks for always having faith in me. But in the end I let you down. I'm just really, really sorry I can't make you proud Mummy :'(

But , my sisters said something that made me feel better yesterday. They said, "It's a sad and happy news at the same time, Ayin. We can't imagine you being away in a different country. Maybe it's not your time yet" :') So, I guess it really is not my time yet. I honestly can't imagine being apart from my Mom, my family. Right now I don't have to worry about that :)

But still I need a couple of days to accept this. To accept reality. I'm not okay now, but I'm sure I'll be just fine..

So, after reading this it's pretty damn obvious that I didn't get through. I only got 9 points. So, my journey continues here, in Malaysia. I need to think about the next step. Am I still taking engineering? But not just yet  because I can't think straight right now. I need stop crying first. 

Oh I almost forgot. Thank you so much to the lecturers who've helped me a lot. And to my peers who've wasted their time teaching me. Thanks a bunch. Without you guys, I might have quit aeons ago. And to Miss Mazz, thanks for always giving support to me, to all of us. Thanks for always believing in me, and being a mother to all of us.

Hmm.. I don't think I'll be able to go to German classes anymore. I've always had so much fun in German class. I really enjoy learning it. So I can't bare learning it knowing that I won't be there.. It just hurts so much. Es tut mir leid, Frau Simone :(

Before I end this post, I'd like to congratulate everyone who made it. Especially my classmates. Team 3, I really am proud of you guys :) Gila gila pun tapi still otak geliga ! I'm sorry, I've been too caught up with my own feelings that I forgot to congratulate you guys. And now that we've got our results, there's just one month left. I just hope that we'll make the best out of it. I know i'm not great as you guys. Sorry for always troubling you guys, especially in vorpraktikum when i'll be all clueless. I actually am gonna feel sad that you guys are leaving soon. Leaving me :( Just don't forget about me alrite.. And this girl here loves postcards, so don't forget to send me one (or two or three) alrite ! Teehee. I'm gonna miss u guys so much. Lawak2 korang yang tak leh blah tu, hahah. I'm sure as hell gonna miss all of it. I really hope our friendship won't end here. All the best in Germany guys ! 

Till we meet again next time :) 

Lots of love, 

Zully Wully

xoxo